Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Kindness Learned

As we usher in future generations, many of us in our own households, it is important to consider what legacies we will—either wittingly or unwittingly—pass along to our human successors. For some time, I have wondered specifically about kindness, with one question in mind: Is kindness inborn, or is it learned? To study this topic, I first looked at my own personality. I tend to become irritable quite easily, which irritates me; imagine living with such a double-edged sword (that beats a chip) on your shoulder. For two decades, I have wondered why. Why am I irritable? Why am I bothered by seemingly meaningless details? Whether I like to admit it or not, I make snap judgments in my mind on a regular basis about the way other people live their lives. This is an uncomfortable habit, for sure. I have been troubled by this, trying to figure out why I am “this way,” and resenting myself for it, which only causes additional pain. Recently, I decided to examine my upbringing, not in an effort to blame anyone, but to find some measure of understanding. I reflected on the environment I grew up in, and recalled, with a bit too much clarity, how my parents, on a regular basis, gossiped about and ridiculed others for their appearances, their possessions, and their hobbies. We lived in an upper middle class white-collar neighborhood, and my family struggled to fit in, with our blue-collar roots. We were pretenders: We pretended to be rich, and pretended to be able to afford our membership at the local country club. My parents were undoubtedly insecure as telephone company workers amidst a community of doctors and lawyers. Maybe my mother and father put others down to make themselves feel better, for what they themselves lacked. What’s even worse is that they held grudges against other people and grudges against each other. Regardless of the reasons, their flagrant negativity left an impression on me—an impression that I have been trying to pound out and buff away for the last twenty years. I have been working to reprogram myself, to weed out the negativity and grow positivity in its place. Kindness, I have come to believe, is modeled and mirrored. Kindness, at its base, is a choice, but a choice made best by practice. So I ask you: How did your parents communicate, and how did their comments affect you? What was the climate of your childhood? Was it accepting, or critical? Forgiving, or resentful? Humble, or boastful? Grateful, or envious? What are you modeling for your children, or your grandchildren?

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