The Value of Saying "No" to Our Kids

If I can offer one piece of sanity-saving advice to parents of young children, it is this: Say no. Say it early, and say it often. The 21st century has seen remarkable changes regarding the dynamics of parent-child relationships, at least in the middle and upper classes in the United States. This shift might cause some of us to ask who’s really in change: the parents, or the kids? As parents are busier than ever, striving to achieve the life-work balance, our children are doing more and asking for more, on a daily, moment by moment basis. I see many parents—myself included—become pushovers as their kids beg for new toys and more play dates. We cannot seem to handle their discomfort with the word “no,” and so we let their constant begging push us into a reluctant “yes.” Most of us are exhausted from the constant social engagements we agree to, and yet, when we could cut ourselves a break by turning down certain activities, we often don’t. Then we wonder why our kids act spoiled and entitled, while we feel tired and underappreciated. Let me explain with a brief story. I remember one Saturday in October, three years ago, when my daughter was seven. She has always been advanced in her artistic abilities, and that year, a drawing she created was chosen by a local organization to be entered into a contest. The only requirement for entry was that she show up at 10AM and paint a replica of her drawing on a storefront window in the business district of our town. Paint, buckets and brushes would be provided, along with a pizza lunch. They gave the contestants five hours to do the work. Well, if you can imagine a seven-year-old trying to cover an entire storefront window with an elaborate Halloween-themed painting, you might understand what we were up against. Not only that, but we were invited to a birthday party that afternoon from 1PM to 5PM. I had already told my friend that we would be there, but we would be late, and we would have to leave early, because we were invited to yet another party—a Halloween party—at a friend’s house down the street. Now, I will say, it’s always an honor when friends and acquaintances want to include my daughter and me in their special festivities. For this reason alone, I used to say yes to everything, no matter how tight my schedule, and despite my introverted personality. And this party in particular seemed like one we shouldn’t miss—complete with pony rides and a petting zoo. But when I heard my friend’s disappointed sigh that we would be restricted on both ends of the joint birthday party she was hosting for her two children (which meant purchasing not one, but two gifts, under my tight budget—that’s fodder for another essay), I thought, “Why doesn’t she understand?” What I should have thought is, “Maybe I’m doing too much. Maybe it’s time to just say no.” Once the Halloween painting was finished, my daughter and I went home to clean ourselves up and change for the birthday party. And when we decided it was time to leave the birthday party, we went home and changed again, into our Halloween costumes. Before we left for the party, I remember guzzling a diet Coke and telling my daughter, “I need a few minutes to myself. I’m tired.” And instead of taking a nap, I proceeded to hula-hoop for fifteen minutes in the middle of our living room, in order to get re-energized for our third big event of the day. At the end of all this madness, I was exhausted, trying to subdue my irritability from feeling rushed, overbooked and over-socialized. Compounding my own feelings, my daughter grew angry and yelled at me when I said it was time to leave the Halloween party. I resented the fact that her seven-year-old brain didn’t see how much of myself I had sacrificed that day, to keep her active and involved within the community and with her friends. She, of course, was too young to understand why she was angry at me. Quite possibly, as most parents might guess, her anger was an expression of overstimulation and fatigue. It comes down to a very simple concept: Kids these days are not learning how to be bored. They are constantly surrounded by screens of all kinds—iPhones, iPads, iPods, video games, television. They are inundated with invitations to parties and are overscheduled for extracurricular activities. The greatest gift we can give them, and ourselves, is a healthy, regular dose of downtime to become friends with silence and inactivity. That, in my opinion, is the surest way to secure a sense of peace within ourselves. Recently, while attending the annual fundraising festival at my daughter’s elementary school, I overheard another parent discussing her plans for the day. The mother of two exclaimed, “Oh gosh, look at the time. We need to go. We still have two birthday parties to go to—one this afternoon, and one tonight.” I wanted to interrupt that mother and save her. I was tempted to say, “Why are you torturing yourself? Don’t do it. Go home. Relax. You have a long way to go in this parenting thing, and the sooner you learn how to say no (and I recommend making it an unqualified, simple, “N-O”), the sooner your kids will learn how to adjust to boredom, and to accept the way the real world works.” Of course, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't know the woman well enough to offer advice, and maybe she enjoyed keeping a busy weekend schedule. While every family is different, I believe that in general, we are doing our children a grave disservice by saying yes to every social invitation that falls into our lap. I’m reminded of the Rolling Stones song, “You can’t always get what you want.” When we say yes to our children too much, they start believing that they can get what they want, and that our sacrifices are limitless. We are perpetuating a cycle that becomes addictive to our kids. At the end of the day, when we realize we have done too much and given too much, we only have ourselves to blame for failing to draw healthy boundaries. By contrast, when children hear equal amounts of “no” and “yes,” the “yes’s” become more meaningful, and the “no’s” easier to accept. I think that by striking a balance, we can avoid spoiling our children, while maintaining our own sanity in the process. What could be more valuable?